It has occurred to me so many times, as I wind my way through my week with all of you, that the work you all are doing reflects a similar theme as the week unfolds. Sometimes it’s more obvious than other times. I would like to begin to write it down here, sort of like a little rock cairn left along the way of our work together.
So, the work this week: so many of you were working on self-compassion. It showed itself in many sessions, some of you uncovering compassion for yourself unexpectedly, others consciously, and sometimes we unfolded it between us, like passing a small rock or gem back and forth. But it came up, over and over again.
Then on the weekend I listened to a talk by Tara Brach, and she spoke about how to remember self-compassion, and I thought again of all of us. I stood in my garden, pausing with myself and listening inside to the roil of the moment. I caught a subtle underlying fear, one I often don’t catch during the busy week, and when I got closer to it I could feel that the fear was from a sense of failure, as if I was behind and needing to catch up. As if I should push myself to be more, better, and if I came up short I should reject myself into accomplishment. This is familiar to me, but sometimes subtle, and hard for me to catch. As I listened to it further, I could feel the fear that I would abandon myself, that I myself would never let myself rest, that I would constantly push. The opposite of self-compassion. The push presents itself as self-improvement, but really is a form of violence.
I have been unfolding a several-year period of illness and recovery from illness, which has taught me about releasing my expectations of myself, simply because I am no longer capable of the things I used to be. What a gift to be given. In the process of facing my lack of capacity, I have uncovered old attachment wounds that told me I could only be worthwhile and lovable to others if I was impressive and skilled enough for them. I know I am not alone in this wound. As I worked to deconstruct these stories, which was terrifying (what? I can’t fix this by simply being good enough??), the possibility that arose in their place was this: that I could relate to others exactly as I am, and that I would find refuge in myself, acceptance in myself, even if what I had to offer was not enough for someone else. There has been arising recently, out of the great pain, a corollary great warmth and an increased gentleness. I am reliable to myself in new ways.
That’s as far as I’ve made it to date, and still I stand out in my garden and feel the push and the fear. And I think of all of you, and the beautiful work you are doing with self-compassion, and I think: I will join you. Thank you for showing the way.
Resources: Radical Acceptance (Tara Brach), Radical Compassion (Tara Brach), Your Resonant Self (Sarah Peyton), Self-Compassion Boot Camp, Myrna Martin
